Hello, my name is Claire and like you, I’m just a regular mom who’s been wearing the same leggings for the last 3 years and struggles to leave the house on time every. single. morning.
I rely on magazines, Instagram and checking what the Essentials fashion editor is wearing (yes, really) to work out what’s on trend and what’s so last season. But sometimes. Sometimes what I see I just can’t get behind and I wonder if any regular people ever wear these things.
*Our fashion editor wants me to tell you that this list/rant is not endorsed by her AT ALL. She basically wears all of these trends every day (except glitter boobs, because, inappropriate).
1. Pyjama wear
If you aren’t a fashionista, wow, I have such bad news for you. You need to get ready to see people wearing clothes that look exactly like pyjamas out and about. You’ll think ‘oh dear, that lady’s clearly just had a baby, has lost her mind and needs help, she’s left the house in a pink nightie.’
Nope. Wrong. This is life now; people wandering the streets in clothes that look just like PJs.
2. Shoes with fur on them
This is really a subset of pyjama wear, but this trend makes me so confused that I thought it deserved its own point.
Until now, wearing your slippers to the shops was reserved exclusively for people with a slightly crazed look in their eyes as they piled ice cream and wine into their trolleys. But in 2017 there’s no way to tell the difference between someone having such a bad day that they couldn’t get it together to put shoes on their feet and someone who is more fashionable than you.
I mean, let’s see if you can tell which are the slippers and which are the shoes:
OK, it was a trick, they’re both shoes.
Read more: How to wear your skinny jeans 7 days a week
Speaking of ‘shoes’ it’s time to move on to flatforms. Flatforms (in case you’ve been living your life instead of following catwalk models on Instagram) are shoes with a sole that is more or less one thickness at the front and the back. Some of them are a reasonable height. Those ones don’t make me angry (still ugly though #justsaying). But some of them are so high that surely, surely it is impossible to walk in them?
Exhibits A through Z:
4. Granny clothes
Our fashion editor tells me that ‘granny wear’ is ‘lit’, which explains why I’ve been seeing ladies who look like they’re trying to blend in with my gran’s living room everywhere. Now I love a good floral print as much as the next angry 32-year-old, but this is taking it too far.
I just want to live in a world where your grandma thinking something is cool means it’s not cool. You know?
5. Glitter boobs
I actually didn’t know about ‘glitter boobs’ until a young person informed me of it when I told her I was writing a list of 2017’s most ridiculous fashion trends.
So, as the name suggests, it’s all about wearing glitter and other shiny things on your upper half instead of clothes like a normal person who has a job and contributes to the economy.
At least this trend will really prepare these ladies for motherhood — because no one loves glitter like a 4-year-old.
(My informant told me that ‘glitter butts’ are also a thing, but I’m too scared to Google that…)