Whether you’re looking for an honest review of a hotel, a restaurant or a kitchen appliance, it’s always appreciated when people who have experienced it before are 100% honest. In these cases, maybe they were a little too honest though…
Here are just a few funny customer reviews that are sure to make you laugh out loud
Despite these horrific inventions, the creativity of the people posting these reviews on Amazon means there is light at the end of the tunnel for humanity.
At last, step one of our evil plan can now be completed.
“Magic stuff. Been taking 1 spoon a day for 3 weeks. I can now type this review using all 12 fingers.” Jammer
“I left this product next to my pet lizard, unfortunately now he’s 350ft tall now and is currently destroying Tokyo, Japan.” Lawrence Gonzalez
“I thought I was ordering Uranium 235. This stuff is not fissionable and not at all appropriate for building a death ray or small nuclear reactor.” Anon pd
“Bought this for household spiders hoping they’d bite me so I could get super hero powers… Alas, the talking spider says he will not bite me, he does however write helpful messages in his web for my benefit.” Kory Krick
The banana slicer
At last! No more using a hammer to slice those bananas.
“As shown in the picture, the slices are curved from left to right. All of my bananas are bent the other way.” Jim Anderson
“I had the same issue. Contact the manufacturer for the Australian version. It curves from right to left.” Crabitty
“Once I figured out I had to peel the banana before using – it works much better.
Ordering one for my nephew who’s in the air force in California. He’s been using an old slinky to slice his banana’s. He should really enjoy this product!” Uncle Pookie
“No more throwing bananas at the ceiling fan for me! This product has saved me the work of peeling the banana slices off the wall after the fan slices them. Thanks, banana slicer!” Iloydravn
Read more: 10 pictures that are guaranteed to annoy you
We’ve been looking all over for one of these!
“This little gizmo is a bargain at twice the price and much more accurate than the voices in my head.” R.J Reid
“Absolutely incredible. Over 12 encounters this week. I would never have suspected that my mother in law was from another galaxy. But she made the detector light up like a candle in a oxygen cylinder. I think that everyone should have one of these. Think about what you’re missing. Just the other day, it lit up when my neighbors pet mamba slithered past. His name is Hans and the lights blinked his name in Morse Code.” Tridacna
The Mountain Three Wolf Moon t-shirt
It’s so much better than the mountain two wolf t-shirt.
“Unfortunately I already had this exact picture tattooed on my chest, but this shirt is very useful in colder weather.” overlook1977
“How do I turn off the howling feature? Two of the three wolves howl at night. The other one (the pup in the middle) howls during the day for some reason. Not sure if this is a factory defect.
This shirt won’t stop. Can’t sleep. It’s been days. Please help.” T.A Daniel
“I am very disappointed and borderline furious with this item. After reading all the reviews, I was expecting miraculous wolf-like powers. I have worn the T-shirt many times and have yet to exhibit any skill at bounding through the woods or sniffing. My growling abilities still suck too. I had taken time off work for a camping trip with my wife, Claire, which we’ll have to cancel now. What’s the point of going when my sole goal was to run with my lupine brothers. As a test run I tried to introduce myself to a doberman and — well let’s just say that could have gone better.” James Robinson
Hair removal cream for men
What makes you think he immediately regretted his decision?
“Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules, the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my [nether regions]. The [testicles] I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don’t have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON [NETHER REGIONS].” Andrew
“This will remove all male parts, if applied to the groin area. That may warrant a 5 star if that’s what you wanted to accomplish, or a 1 star if all you wanted to do is remove hair. Please follow the directions to the letter.” Thornflesh
Horse head mask
But are you supposed to wear pants we wonder…
“It is day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own. I have grown to understand and respect their gentle ways. Now I question everything I thought I once knew and fear I am no longer capable of following through with my primary objective. I know that those who sent me will not relent. They will send others in my place… but we will be ready.” ByronicHero
“When I turned State’s Witness, they didn’t have enough money to put me in the Witness Protection Program, so they bought me this mask and gave me a list of suggested places to move. Since then I’ve lived my life in peace and safety knowing that my old identity is forever obscured by this life-saving item.” John Neal
BIC for Her Medium Ballpoint Pen
Watch this space; ‘Highlighters for Her’ could be next!
“My husband has never allowed me to write, as he doesn’t want me touching men’s pens. However when I saw this product, I decided to buy it (using my pocket money) and so far it has been fabulous! Once I had learnt to write, the feminine colour and the grip size (which was more suited to my delicate little hands) has enabled me to vent thoughts about new recipe ideas, sewing and gardening. My husband is less pleased with this product as he believes it will lead to more independence and he hates the feminine tingling sensation (along with the visions of fairies and rainbows) he gets whenever he picks it up.” A Keen Skier
“My wife loves it. I’m writing this review on her behalf as we haven’t yet found a women’s-specific keyboard on the market, so she cannot yet type. Any recommendations?” Hari
How to avoid huge ships
This is one surefire way to put you off reading for life.
“Read this book before going on vacation and I couldn’t find my cruise liner in the port. Vacation ruined.” Dan
“I bought How to Avoid Huge Ships as a companion to Captain Trimmer’s other excellent titles: How to Avoid a Train, and How to Avoid the Empire State Building. These books are fast paced, well written and the hard won knowledge found in them is as inspirational as it is informational. After reading them I haven’t been hit by anything bigger than a diesel bus. Thanks captain!” Fitz
“I live near a park and frequently walk around the local area. Given the amount of dog mess that is on the pavements I thought this book would be the ideal read to stop me having to scrape my shoes on the grass before going home. It was only after it arrived that I looked closely at the title and realised it said ‘How to Avoid Huge SHIPS’. A simple error that means I am still treading on massive examples of canine excrement. Having said that, I read the book anyway, and I’m pleased to say I’m not even having near misses with huge ships anymore. No sir, they aint getting anywhere near me!” Graham Thomas
Playmobil Security Check Point
Recreate waiting in long queues and feeling violated when you get body searched in the comfort of your own home!
“Very realistic when I talk to the agent he just stares blankly at me, and does not respond just like at the real check point at the airport. Please also note the playset is 1/16 scale meaning the liquids over 0.19oz (1/16 of 3.0oz) get confiscated and sold in the black market playset (sold separately).” Brian Geller
“This toy would be a lot more realistic with about 350 people standing in line for an average of an hour. It still makes a nice set with the interrogation room.” Amazon customer
“Had this item 3 or 4 days now, and things were going fine, until some of the “passengers” began complaining of missing items from their luggage. I found the items in a Playmobil Security Manager’s Office, which I hadn’t realized I ordered. I’m thinking of complaining to the Playmobil Shop Steward but I’m not sure I’ll get anywhere -” Michael Trap
Asfour Crystal Tut Anhk Amon Chair (which retailed for $140 000)
Here’s hoping there’s a return policy…
“Donating my kidneys to buy this chair was totally worth it… BTW, is pee supposed to be red, like blood? Oh well, it reminds me of Moses when the Nile turned red.” Guitarlifter
“I was really excited about getting ahold of this chair for the next seance, but now I’m pretty sure I received a defective product. As soon as I unpackaged it from the sarcophagus my cats started hissing fiercely and I heard a low voice murmuring “Imhotep…”. Attempting to get this replaced but the seller seems to have vanished in the swirling sands. Definitely not a happy [email protected]!” Amazon customer
“I wasn’t sure about sitting on this chair but my cousin Vivian did and now she insists on being worshiped as a goddess and installing her Siamese cat as High Priest of our small county in Georgia! She insisted on moving out of her double wide and installed herself as Pharaoh at the Traveler’s Motel (Hourly rates are quite reasonable as Viv has used them in the past). She has also insisted on a golden mask and copious amounts of black eyeliner as well trying to find a Charlton Heston lookalike as her personal Moses. Thank the Lord that she nixed the idea of marrying one of her relatives. Also thanks manufacturers. Viv was hard to live with then but now Pharaoh Vivian the First is impossible.” Collie Mom
Steering wheel attachable tray
We’re pretty sure the person who invented this is behind bars now.
“This has been a total lifesaver. It lets me prop my sheet music against the wheel, allowing me to play the guitar with both hands while driving.” Brent
“You wouldn’t believe how much more interesting my commute is now that I have something to do other than just stare out the window! I’m using it right now to post this review and I never -” Michael McCollogh
“This awesome bit of kit changed my life. The extra hours of work I could get in whilst driving on the freeway has made me so much more productive. In fact I directly attribute this to my improved bonuses and recent promotion! If you want to get ahead, get one of these.
There is one problem though. In several accidents that I have had whilst using this, the airbag causes the laptop screen to slam shut. I’ve suffered several broken fingers because of this. I have started to look around for airbag finger protection but have not yet found any…” Jamie O’Shaughnessy